Story 1 : The Holiday Traditions Cannot Be Lost
By Rebecca J. Guyette, J.D.

I was representing Mary in a collaborative divorce matter. Mary and her husband, Will, decided to end their 13 year marriage using the collaborative divorce model. At one of our four-way meetings held shortly before the Christmas holiday, the parents discussed what was to become of their long-standing holiday tradition of opening gifts together as a family on Christmas morning. The parents described their typical Christmas morning. The two children, Brandon and Katie, would wake up the parents, and together they would descend the stairs into the family room where there were numerous gifts, all left behind by Santa Claus. Mary and Will seemed very distressed while reciting this family custom, as they both knew how hard this would be on the children. The divorce was difficult enough, but to not maintain this tradition seemed extraordinarily painful.

Together, the parents decided to forego their own feelings of not wanting to be together, and agreed that Will would bring Brandon and Katie over to Mary’s home, which was the family’s marital home Christmas morning at 8:00 a.m., so that the family would share this holiday tradition of opening all the gifts.

Although the parents did not commit to doing this same thing every year, they agreed that the need to reduce the pain of this family transition was important, so they would gather together and share the holiday tradition. I was surprised that Mary would agree to this plan, as to me, she seemed to portray the message that she was more than tired of Will and wanted him out of her life just as fast as humanly possible. She always seemed frustrated with him and nothing, nothing he could do, was ever what she wanted him to do.

The parents were at peace with their plan to go forward with this solution. I was not to judge what they felt was right for their children or how they felt about sharing another holiday together. It was important enough that they each knew that they had their children’s needs ahead of their own, and it was evident by their desire to maintain their usual holiday tradition. At the following four-way conference, which was held shortly after the holidays, Will spoke up immediately. He said, “Before we get started, I just want to say something…."

He then turned to Mary, who was very difficult to communicate with, and who often rolled her eyes at whatever Bill said. Mary did seem to listen intently, perhaps thinking Will was going to say something important.

Will, with tears in his eyes, said, “Mary, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to bring back the children and share Christmas morning together. It meant so much to me to know that we’re still a family." Mary said, "You’re welcome, it was nice."

The two parents went on to reveal that they had a wonderful Christmas morning, and that they would take one Christmas morning at a time, as perhaps they could continue with this holiday tradition. They were hopeful.

Rebecca J. Guyette, J.D. is a family law attorney, who practices family law, mediation, and collaborative law in the Hennepin, Wright, Anoka, and Sherburne Counties, and offices in Minnetonka and Plymouth. 95% of her cases involve divorce, and she concentrates on settlement oriented options rather than litigation whenever possible. Rebecca’s philosophy is that her client is best able to decide the outcome of case rather than a judge, and as such, she prefers that her clients attempt alternatives to litigation before resorting to the court system. Rebecca finds great satisfaction in helping families during their difficult life transition.

Story 2 : The Twins at Dad’s House: Sunset Lane

Tony looked disheartened in our four-way collaborative meeting with the parents and their attorneys. The topic of parenting time schedules for the twin seven-year-old daughters, Heather and Holly, was being discussed. He could not understand why the girls did not want to spend extended time at his new home, a home they had helped him to find, seemed excited on the move-in date, and content to watch movies, play board games, and eat pizza. Why did they not want to sleep over? After all, Tony knew that he and their mother, Kelly, were on the same page: they both wanted equal parenting time and felt that the girls would benefit by having both parents play active parenting roles. Alternating weekends and sharing week days seemed like a schedule that would accomplish this objective. Tony was relieved knowing that it was not Kelly that was trying to win over the girls so that they would want to spend more time with her at the family’s homestead, the place the home that the girls felt most comfortable. It was the only home they knew and it was where all their neighborhood friends could be found.

Luckily, after Kelly had discussed this issue with the girls, Kelly knew what exactly the problem was about. At the family residence, the girls each had their ‘princess’ rooms, Heather having a pink and purple room and Holly having a yellow and white room, filled with their prized possessions. Each room reflected the personality of each child. The rooms were their safe and comforting place, surrounded by everything important to the girls during this difficult life transition.

Tony’s new house provided separate rooms for the girls, but the rooms were dull and as far from a magical kingdom as one could imagine. When Kelly informed Tony of the problem, he felt somewhat better, as at least it was not something that could not be resolved. But how? He was not able to decorate, or was he? Not having the girls comfortable at his new home was not an option.

After a brief moment, Kelly said, “I tell you what… I’ll go to the mall this weekend with the girls and we will buy curtains and bedspreads and some room décor to fix up their rooms so that they feel better about staying at your house. Then you or I could help them fix up their own rooms on Sunday.”

There was a brief silence. Then Tony said, “You’ll do that?” Kelly acknowledged that she would help fix up their rooms, as that was something she could do well. Tony was not best at interior decorating, but said he would paint the walls if the girls wanted a color change. Kelly also agreed to go through the girls’ rooms at the homestead and help them pick out some of their items that would look best in their rooms at their other home.

At this same meeting, the parents agreed not to call the homes “Mom’s House” or “Dad’s House.” Instead, they would call the homes by their street names “Sunset Lane” and “Ruby Ridge.” The parents wanted the feeling that the girls had two homes rather than having the girls feel that the homes were the parents’ homes or that there was “the family home” and “dad’s home.”

As always, amazing things happen when parents put their children’s needs in the middle. The best collaborative parents do not put their children in the middle, they put their children’s needs in the middle and work toward a resolution that works best for the children. The issues being resolved in a collaborative four-way meeting are not always legal in nature, but rather issues that need to be resolved in order to bring order to a difficult situation and creating a pathway for parents to work together to resolve issues involving their children. Whether or not the plan works is not the primary focus, but rather that the parents work hard to resolve the issues they face by placing their children’s needs paramount and working toward resolutions that both can agree upon as being best for their children. If the resolution that the parents arrive at does not work out, at least the parents are aware of a model of dispute resolution that allows each of them to first raise the issue, and then state possible solutions. They both can then work toward finding a suitable answer, all while keeping their children’s best interest in the forefront.

Rebecca J. Guyette, J.D. is a family law attorney, who practices family law, mediation, and collaborative law in the Hennepin, Wright, Anoka, and Sherburne Counties, and offices in Minnetonka and Plymouth. 95% of her cases involve divorce, and she concentrates on settlement oriented options rather than litigation whenever possible. Rebecca’s philosophy is that her client is best able to decide the outcome of case rather than a judge, and as such, she prefers that her clients attempt alternatives to litigation before resorting to the court system. Rebecca finds great satisfaction in helping families during their difficult life transition.

Story 3 : Husband Wants to Rework the Settlement So Former Wife Receives More Money
By Rebecca J. Guyette

The attorneys in a collaborative case were circulating an email and their clients copied in so that they, too, could see its contents. The email requested that the attorneys needed to review a proposed legal document, entitled Qualified Domestic Relations Order. This document would later instruct the plan administrator how to divide the husband’s 401k. In this case, the wife would receive one-half of the marital portion of the 401k as of August 1, 2009, which was the date that the husband and wife agreed would be the date that their marital estate would be valued and divided. After the attorneys were to review and give it their approval, the Qualified Domestic Relations Order is signed by a judge and then it is sent to the plan administrator, who in turn, will carry out the provisions contained within this court order. Attorneys will ensure that the document reflects the parties agreement, which was memorialized in the final decree of marital dissolution.

After the husband reviewed this document, he emailed the attorneys. His email stated that he did not feel that the 401k division, as fully stated in their divorce settlement and reflected in this current document, was fair. In this case, the couples’ divorce was final on December 31, 2009. It was now February 2010, six months after the date of valuation and division. As such, the husband felt that his former wife should have the appreciation on her portion of the 401k as of the date they were divorced (December 31, 2009) and not as of the date noted in the divorce decree (August 31, 2009). By desiring this change, his former wife would receive over $20,000 more than she would have had the plan administrator carried out the provisions contained in the Qualified Domestic Relations Order. Clearly, this man did not need to email the attorneys and convey his thoughts of inequity.

Naturally, the former wife responded in her email, “Thank you!” Following, the Qualified Domestic Relations Order was amended to convey the couples’ new agreement. This kind gesture would be extremely unlikely had this matter been litigated. It is amazing what transpires when parties work toward resolving their cases as partners rather than warriors.

Rebecca J. Guyette, J.D. is a family law attorney, who practices family law, mediation, and collaborative law in the Hennepin, Wright, Anoka, and Sherburne Counties, and offices in Minnetonka and Plymouth. 95% of her cases involve divorce, and she concentrates on settlement oriented options rather than litigation whenever possible. Rebecca’s philosophy is that her client is best able to decide the outcome of case rather than a judge, and as such, she prefers that her clients attempt alternatives to litigation before resorting to the court system. Rebecca finds great satisfaction in helping families during their difficult life transition.