By Jan Hoistad, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist

If you are reading this article, you’re thinking about or anticipating a divorce; whether it is your choice, or not.

• You’ve heard about Collaborative Divorce and if you have to divorce you’d like to do it with the least amount of hostility. You want to eventually heal, and though you may not be able to see it today, you want to have a good life.

• You experience emptiness or anger, as well as huge self-doubts about the life step you’re contemplating and the ramifications it will have on you and so many other people. The consequences and the responsibility feel enormous, overwhelming.

• You feel a great deal of anxiety about the future – because it is unknown. You want the best for yourself and your children, yet your world is being turned upside down. You don’t know how the circumstances will shake out financially, life-style-wise, childcare-wise.

• Not only are you dealing with your sadness and anxiety over the future health and well-being of you and your children, on top of this enormous emotional turmoil comes confusion and fear about another unknown – navigating the legal system that is the route to divorce. You’ve heard so many horror stories about extended battles and outrageous financial costs.

There are some very basic, simple steps you can take starting now that will help you to stabilize your situation. These steps will help you gain a modicum of control over the choices you need to make and must make in the coming days, weeks and months. These steps will help you begin to carve out a path of decision-making and wise choices as you go through this major life transition.

1. Get Wise Support for Self-Care and Guidance:

Make an appointment with a coach or counselor highly skilled in both relationships that succeed and relationships that end in divorce. This person can help you grieve or go through your anger now, they can also help you walk through the divorce itself, and then rebuild a new life for you and your children. I don’t care if you don’t believe in counseling or you feel too proud to reach out for help. What I do know is that you are going to need such a wise support person to turn to when you are stewing in your own juices or you’ve worn out your family or friends. If you have children, you especially need this support and guidance. It’s too hard to put up a good front all the time, and you want to for the sake of your young ones. You are going to need a strong, objective adult to turn to.

2. Get Educated About Your Options and Legal Choices:

I’m a firm believer in knowledge. Knowledge is power. As much as you may fear the inevitable by going to talk to a lawyer, go get educated. Interview one or more lawyers, preferably Collaborative Divorce lawyers. Some Collaborative Divorce lawyers just go this route, and some will also fight for you should you end up in court. You’ve probably been referred to the lawyers at this website or you found them on the net. Pick up the phone. Typically they will give you a free initial consultation so you can hear your options and sense if you might work well together. In the first meeting you are checking out the relationship capacity of the lawyer, his or her knowledge and ability to articulate it to you in a way that empowers you.

You want a lawyer who:

• Speaks so you understand what they are talking about.
• Educates you in the various pathways to obtaining your divorce settlement (from what is called the “kitchen table” approach to Mediation, to Collaboration, all the way to going to court.)
• Represents your values (e.g. to not litigate or become contentious; to work with your mate for the best outcome of the entire family.)
• Describes your legal options and a step-by-step pathway in the beginning and at each step along the path to your settlement.
• Encourages you to get outside coaching or counseling as needed.
• Helps you create a solid Collaborative Team of consultants (e.g. Neutral Team Coach, Financial and Parenting Specialists) if you choose this path and supports your strengths as you negotiate toward a settlement.

3. Read About Divorce and Beyond:

I have clients who devour books when they are going through a life transitions, especially a difficult one. It will educate you and keep your mind busy, especially when you are awake and ruminating in the night. You can read more about the Collaborative Divorce process. You can read books about how other people have successfully come through divorce and how they have helped their children through divorce. Such reading will empower you.

· I recommend you go to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) website http://www.collaborativepractice.com/_t.asp?T=Books

This site has many testimonials and much information about the collaborative approach and from people who have gone through divorce. The book list is under “RESOURCES” in the left hand sidebar along with videos and a Divorce Toolkit.

4. Become Skilled in Healthy Negotiating:

If you want to eventually return to a peaceful, satisfying life, you want to start practicing now. Especially if you have children together, you and your ex need to know how to negotiate, compromise, and come to agreements. Working through the Collaborative Divorce process is good training ground for negotiating to a settlement. You will be even further along if you study on how to negotiate as you enter into your divorce process. Two highly recommended books you will find on the IACP website are

· Ury, William L., Getting Past No, Negotiating in Difficult Situations Bantam (1993),

· Fisher, Roger; Ury, William; Patton, Bruce  Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In Penguin (1991)

Your coach or counselor may also be able to recommend various techniques and tools to help you negotiate well now, through the divorce, and beyond as you build a life and continue to parent your children together with your soon to be ex.

Jan Hoistad, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Relationship Coach
Collaborative Divorce Neutral Coach
www.drjanhoistad.com/divorce.asp
www.drjanhoistadblog.com