By Terri Romanoff-Newman, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist

Parents have the power to create the most exciting magic that one could ever imagine. The holidays can be a very hard time for some children as their parents decide to separate and divorce. Some families even use that time to change homes so that their normal activities are interrupted. If we always go to Grandmother’s house, why can’t we go this year, and I don’t want to miss Dad?

Yukes-what big questions to answer. As always, we try to be as honest as we can with our children. But I want to challenge you as parents. What does it take to leave the disputes and anger of the marriage outside, so you can bring the love of the children inside? My reason for asking this question is,”can we replace whatever sadness they have, with the hope they will see as their parents show them that holidays are not to be feared and can be fun.”

One of the huge advantages of using the Collaborative Law Process is that if you want to invest in the statement above you have many resources to help you accomplish this emotionally difficult process. Immediately you are not going to be embroiled in court fighting because it is a non-court process with lawyers who know how to help you without being part of the problem. The coaches help to contain your feelings and teach you to express them to one another in a positive learning opportunity that most couples never had as marriage partners, and there are child specialists for the children to talk to and help translate their feelings to their parents. Included are Neutral Financial Specialists.

No one is asking you to leave your feelings bottled up, but joining in learning a process of making sure that the feelings from the marriage stay clearly away from the children. In that way, they can go on developing and not act as mini marriage counselors. Watch what you say on the phone and how close the children are so they cannot hear you, leave the house for important talks, and during drop offs and pick ups make sure that they only see behavior you would expect out of them. Another great idea is to ask your children how they think you are doing and if they have any ideas for you both. My favorite: drop offs should be at day care or at school unless the family is very united so children do not feel like they are leaving a parent.

If you would like to talk more about any of these issues, please free to call my office at 952-938-4492