| Risk management for Children of Divorce |
| Terri Romanoff-Newman, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist |
 Everyone in the family is at risk when there is a divorce. Particularly at risk are children who often feel responsible, needing to take care of their parent’s feelings, and maintain whatever loyalty they perceive that their parent’s need. We have a chance to change that scenario and free children from this type of overburdened responsibility. Choosing Collaborative Law is an opportunity to move children from that place of responsibility to one where the parents can more easily normalize the divorce situation.
Non-adversarial divorce has helped families as a whole and children in particular to go through this process with the least amount of wounds possible. One of the ways a Psychologist can contribute to the dignity and respect that can help to make a divorce less destructive, is to work in the role of a Parental Consultant. In this role the emphasis is on helping each parent together to focus their efforts in order to make agreements about how to parent separately and together. The only need to consider is what is in the best interests of the children; knowing that their job is to raise healthy children who do not worry about taking care of their parents.
It is not unusual for children to demonstrate negative and different behaviors that were not part of their personalities pre-divorce. Many children become angry, hostile, demanding, manipulative, teary, depressed, have poor school work, become ill, and get into trouble in their neighborhoods, schools, and in their homes. For most children these behaviors are a way of expressing and dealing with what they have the least control over---their parents leaving one another, and their home being changed forever. Children often find themselves worrying about how each parent will survive the pain that naturally goes along with being disappointed, angry, feeling betrayed, and perhaps like a failure. We have an opportunity to relieve children of part of this burden, which often surrounds the worry about how their parents will get along with one another, and if they still will be able to parent in a way that does not significantly disrupt a child’s present life.
If parents are able to sit together and make a plan to deal with every aspect of a child’s life, then the child or children will be far less impacted. The parents can then focus their efforts on caring for their children as opposed to fighting the other parent for control. There are other benefits to this effort in being non-adversarial with regard to the children and that plus spills over to the actual legal details of the divorce. If parenting issues are being decided without power struggling, then the parents are available to work with their attorneys to finalize the process. This commitment allows attorneys to complete the divorce with the dignity and respect that such a life-changing event deserves. If anger is left out of the relationship one has with their children about the other parent, can you imagine the relief and comfort many children will experience without that anxiety?
If parents are willing and able to work with a team of attorneys and psychologists in a non-adversarial manner, children will have the opportunity to be happier, healthier, and feel less emotionally scared by the process. |
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