By Janet Eaton, Ph.D., LMFT
3300 Edinborough Way, Suite 550
Edina, Mn 55435
952-405-2017

Children likely do not understand the meaning of the word ambiguous. In high conflict divorce children may experience this type of loss as their family maneuvers through the divorce process. They are experiencing a loss of their only understanding of family. They may also experience the loss of a parent physically or psychologically.

Pauline Boss Ph.D., a Professor from the University of Minnesota, has developed the Ambiguous Loss Model. She identifies two types: 1) physical absence with psychological presence, and 2) physical presence with psychological absence. Much of her research involved catastrophic events such as 9/11, abduction and war. However, in the reality of everyday life in which divorce is a common, yet traumatic occurrence, these types of ambiguous loss may be experienced by the children.

In high conflict cases, in which the children are not the authentic concern, one or both parents may attempt to alienate the other from a relationship with the child(ren). Thus creating loss in which a parent is physically absent but psychologically present. In other situations a parent may be physically present but emotionally unavailable.

Other ways in which children may experience ambiguous loss is if the trauma of the divorce is an intense and significant loss to one of the parents resulting in severe depression thus emotionally unavailable. That child(ren) experiences the parent physically but not psychologically.

Ambiguous loss is not about pathology but is about relationships. This loss, when experienced through divorce, is imposed on children and not from the inside -- heart and soul. Dr. Boss’ research shares that ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no certainty that the alienated or unavailable parent will come back or return to the way they use to be.

As parents and professionals we need to be aware of this type of lingering loss that a child may be experiencing. Left untreated may lead to issues of abandonment or other emotional concerns later in life.