Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq., Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child Specialist

I discovered the The Four Agreements when a close friend told me this was the book that helped her heal following the end of her twenty-eight year marriage. The ideas in this book allowed her resolve negative feelings about the past in order to move into a more hopeful future. As a Neutral Child Specialist, I have found this book to be an invaluable resource. Resolution and healing need to happen before parents ending their marriage or partnership are ready and able to enter into an effective, child-centered co-parenting relationship.

The author of The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, is a surgeon who returned to his heritage as a Toltec shaman after a near-death experience. Seeking meaning in his life, he turned to ancient wisdom for how to live in harmony with oneself and with others. The result of his study was The Four Agreements.

Like most powerful guiding principles, the four agreements appear simple but are profound. The agreements provide a framework for both preventing and resolving conflict, and for achieving inner peace. When used in the context of collaborative process, each agreement is relevant to the process of problem solving and healing. These four agreements not only provide a clear framework for clients, but also for each member of the team during the collaborative process.

These are the four agreements:

• Be impeccable with your word. Words should never be used to attack, gossip about or deceive others. Do not be careless and thoughtless in your communication. A person should always tell the truth. In collaborative process, people agree to act in good faith and be transparent in their communication. Clients are coached to shift from hurtful, angry, unproductive words to clear, respectful and effective communication.
• Never personalize. What another person says or does is a reflection of that person’s feelings, behavior and choices. It is not about you. This can be a very difficult agreement for a person who is hurt, feels betrayed by another, or wonders “Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this?” It is hard to not personalize another person’s angry or blaming words. However, each person is only responsible for his or her own actions and deeds, not the thoughts, feelings or behavior of another. This agreement helps undo the fiction that one person can change another person. The only person who can change you is you, and the only person who can change me is me.
• Make no assumptions. Instead of making assumptions ask impeccable questions. Assumptions may be inaccurate or incomplete. Negative assumptions which go unquestioned can be deadly to relationships, both with partners and with children.
  Once in collaborative process, inaccurate assumptions can persist and interfere with effective problem solving. It is very important that clients be encourage to ask questions rather than act on assumptions when developing a parenting plan. The third agreement enables co-parenting decisions to be made with clarity.
• Always do your best. One’s best is not an absolute, but will differ from day to day. Being ill, stressed or grieving affects one’s energy and productivity.
  Some days we are “in the zone” and able to be particularly focused and effective. Other days are more difficult. We should aspire to do our best within the circumstances that either challenge or inspire us. Clients are asked to bring their best selves to the collaborative process, but the team will always take into account each person’s readiness to do the work.