By Terri Romanoff-Newman, Ph.D., Divorce Coach

Things have been going along reasonably well or somewhat ok; at least no one is yelling or screaming. Our family may be different; we actually could work out this divorce-stuff and get our kids through High School without turmoil. After all we loved one another at one time or we would have never been married. And we have been able to talk back and forth and lately we have even been able to laugh about the things the kids have done when they were young. We both do what we say and can trust each other. The kids don’t complain and school conferences are going well. Bobby has a few learning problems, but we talk all the time about how we are going to consistently help him. What a relief.

Something has been different lately with the kids; they seem nervous about talking about what they do at their mom/dad’s house. I am going to pick on dad’s for the purpose of this article, but it applies to mom’s just as much. One of the kids said “Susan took care of us for part of the time today,” and then looked really guilty when he said it. So, I called my ex and he said that he had been dating Susan. I reminded him (loudly) that in our parenting plan we agreed to tell each other first so that each of us could support the relationship and the kids don’t have to be caught in the middle like our kids are now. He reminded me that it is none of my business what he does when the kids are with him and to butt out of his business. What about me, what about my feelings, aren’t we friends, and why is she helping Bobby with homework rather than you?

There are a number of problems that should be addressed here in order for these two parents to retain the good working relationship that they had, for pointers:

• They agreed in their parenting plan to introduce significant others in a specific way-this could be re-negotiated now
• The children are caught in the middle, feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Both parents need to help the children feel welcome to talk about anyone and not worry about hurting their feelings OR keeping secrets or telling lies
• Understand that being “replaced” by someone else even if you are divorced can feel like a big loss and may cause some people to begin a grief cycle. If this is what your former partner is going through, be as compassionate as you can, but you are not going to know for sure unless you ask
• You are the parents; you make the decisions, and not other people